A therapist’s job is to teach clients life skills, including but not limited to how to set boundaries, or how to handle rejection, failure, or disappointment. I think a lot of parents miss that this is also their job too. Where else would a child learn these skills? Society does not always propagate the most ideal messages on this. Mass media does not cater to mental health, unfortunately.
If parents neglect to provide a safe space for children, this does not set children up for a great future in many respects. These children often grow up to be adults who seek therapy. I frequently see clients in my practice who were brought up having their needs dismissed.
Parents are supposed to be children’s first safe attachment figures. This models the behavior they will continue to seek out in their future relationships, including friendships and marriage. If parents minimize or shame children for having emotions, children are more likely to choose invalidating partners. Parents must instill a sense of self worth in their children so that children grow up to have proper standards for their future partners. If children are brought up with conditional love, or a home full of criticism, they will be more tolerant of poor treatment from friends, bosses, and other relationships. If children are conditioned to believe they must “earn” their love, then as they grow older, they will similarly make attempts to “prove” their worth in romantic relationships. The saying goes “looking for love in all the wrong places” for a reason.
Parents must exemplify how to meet one’s functional and emotional needs. For example, modeling simple hygiene practices such as how to keep their bodies clean, as well as how to eat a proper balanced diet. Regarding matters of the spirit, children are not born with self esteem – it is granted to them through parents lifting them up. I notice many parents not comprehending that young spirits are quite fragile and easily damaged. They need healthy adults to instill a sense of pride and healthy ego unto them. Most everything in our capitalist society has an angle of tearing down one’s self esteem. Why? To get consumers to buy more stuff! Secure people are less likely to be consumers for products if they don’t see a need for them. Help your child save their future money by telling them they are good enough as they are, that they are beautiful, smart enough, capable, and worthy!
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